The cleaning ladies have arrived and done their job quickly and quietly. I’m quite relieved that it wasn’t the same woman from last week because I’m still not over that embarrassment. As I was watching them clean, which is always awkward for me, I was reflecting on how that is one less thing that I have to do. For an entire year I don’t have to do the regular and routine cleaning for my living space. I’ll just have to clean my occasional mess and those that Koopa makes.
Furthermore, Mr. Meena has discovered the cafeteria at his workplace here in Schweinfurt. He was very excited to tell me that he had a large plate of currywurst and spicy fries for just €2.21. Mr. Meena’s love of German food, the low prices, and the importance of eating with your coworkers in Germany translate into him eating in the cafeteria quite often. So there is another thing I don’t have to do; in the U.S. I usually prepared his lunches for four out of five days each week. Since I only have a tiny kitchenette here this is a welcome relief. I don’t make as many dinners either, because eating out is cheap and exploring German foods is definitely a priority for us.
What do I have left? Laundry. The hotel washes the blankets, sheets, towels, and washcloths, so I’m down to a refreshing one load per week (Update: Mr. Meena does the laundry now, not me). I have shopping for groceries and other items, although Mr. Meena and I generally enjoy doing this together – plus I need him to carry the heavy items home. There are few bills to pay, although I do keep a budget. But I have no friends and family to host in the evenings, no decorating to do, and no lawn or garden. So I am a housewife without a house. And I’m okay with that.
All of these “dilemmas” are things that, in reality, I am grateful to experience. Let’s get to the real reason I made this post.
Mr. Meena is leaving this weekend for a seven day business trip to Hungary and driving 20 hours through the areas where refugees have been fleeing Syria, Iraq, and other countries. It’s less than one month since our arrival in Germany and I am going to be alone here. It’s not just his safety I’m concerned about; it’s also my sanity. It’s been more than two years since we were apart for a week.
I’ve had three really good days this past week where I was able to venture outside without much anxiety. My agoraphobia is intensified by our international move to a strange new country. In the States I could manage running errands and doing what had to be done most of the time. Here, it’s harder because of the lack of familiarity, a new language, a difficult culture… the list goes on. Not only will I miss Mr. Meena next week, but I’m afraid I will be unable to leave the hotel while he is gone. The days that he will be absent loom ahead like dark and stormy clouds on the horizon. My agoraphobia often makes my safe places feel like a prison. Even if I desperately want or need to go out it’s not always enough to make me do so. I fear having a depressive episode without my husband to help me work through it.
My days in Germany, without a job or even chores, are wide open and full of freedom. Yet, I struggle to enjoy the gift that has been given to me. Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong here. I can’t help but imagine so many wives and spouses that would be more capable of exploring and making more of this opportunity to live abroad. I feel like one of them should be here in my place. I know these are unhealthy and unhelpful things to feel, but I feel them regardless.
I feel triumphant and empowered when I am able to go out see the town that we get to live in. It gives me stories and pictures to share with my friends, family, and here on my blog. I feel guilt and loss when I am unsuccessful in leaving my safe haven. So much so that it can even be hard to enjoy a designated night in. Mr. Meena is very excited to explore Hungary during his trip and I wish that I had that same excitement. I’ve always struggled with the idea of leaving my home, but it has certainly been harder to retain my independent spirit after marrying him. It’s not his fault; it’s just one of those things that newlyweds have to learn. You have to balance your life together and your sense of identity.
I am very grateful that I started this blog. It gives me something to focus on and a way to fill my time. I’ve always enjoyed writing and now I can do it more often. The blog also gives me a reason to go explore – and there are so many things worth seeing. If anything is going to get me out and about in Mr. Meena’s absence, it will be my desire to have more content to happily talk about here. Here’s hoping that I can triumphantly have an adventure that is all my own.
Featured photo by Garry licensed under CC BY 2.0.
