6 Ways to Show Grace to Your Spouse over the Holiday Season.

Moving 4,000 miles away from home and isolating yourself from friends, family, and traditions can make one feel irritable over the holiday season.  Since we’ve moved to Germany there have been hard adjustments for myself and Mr. Meena that add stress to our marriage.  I get the most stressed when little things that are supposed to be easy suddenly become difficult.  Mr. Meena and I are more likely to have a fight at the grocery store when I can’t figure out the German translation for sour cream (or if it’s one of those products that you can’t buy here) than we were are facing something that we expect to be hard.

Even though we are traveling to a distraction free (read: no internet connection) oasis in the Austrian Alps for the holidays, I know that we will still find things to fight about.  I am prone to being dissatisfied with my spouse and letting it create problems between us.  I think that if we can be honest with ourselves we’d all say that it’s easier to frown and complain than to work at having a peaceful relationship.

So lately I’ve been thinking about ways that I could show my husband grace – especially during our first Christmas abroad together.  He certainly needs a more graceful and loving wife.  I’m lecturing to myself a bit here, but hopefully others will find encouragement from these words as well.

1. Deflect or reroute your frustration with them.

Photo by Michael licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

You know those lists of words in foreign languages that describe detailed emotions that there is no English word for?  I think there should be one of those words for the way I feel when I open the cabinet and see all the places that my husband has incorrectly placed our dishes.  For the third time this week.  I feel a rush of angry frustration that courses through me like a bull through the streets of Pamplona.  I can be the happiest married woman in the world before I open that cabinet, but then it’s like I forget everything good about my husband when I get frustrated.

So I want to find a good detour for myself when these kinds of things happen.  I could choose to be thankful that he did the dishes or remind myself about how he always carries the heavy grocery bags home from the store.  There are many things that he excels at that are hard for me to do – so he does them.  Without complaint (almost all of the time).  I’m apt to forget about what he’s done well when he’s done something wrong or forgotten to do something entirely.

So what does your spouse do that you are thankful for?  Or what is something that you really admire about them?  Pick two or three things and have them ready to use as a detour around those frustrations that pop up like bad weeds.

I still intend on telling Mr. Meena where the dishes should go in the cabinet – but in a kind manner without taking out my frustration on him.  If I can change my knee-jerk reaction to the situation it will be a huge success.

2. Fill your conversation with compliments.

Photo by Gabriela licensed under CC BY 2.0.

You’d think that marrying someone you love, admire, and respect would be enough to ensure that you regularly compliment them.  Wrong.  Some people find it easy to let compliments flow but I have a hard time giving my spouse compliments.  It’s especially hard when he’s done something exceptional at his job because I often find myself feeling bitter that I’m not working.  Letting my frustration prevent me from building up my husband is a huge issue with my heart and he doesn’t deserve that.  I’ve heard that four compliments should be given for each complaint.  It seems like a good ratio but I don’t have the presence of mind to tally up my spoken words that way.

A good place to start with giving your spouse more praise is finding something your spouse does regularly and complimenting them every time they do it.  It could even be the same thing that you’re trying to keep in mind as your detour route (remember point number one?).  Maybe you’ll give them the same compliment several days in a row… but I’m willing to bet they won’t mind.  People need to be appreciated.

It takes some intentionality to seek out ways to compliment your spouse and then follow through; but the payoff will be worth it.  Your spouse will feel better about themselves and that will feed back happiness into your relationship – leading to more ways you can compliment them.  Keep the cycle going.

3. Go easy on gift-giving.

Photo by Jimmie licensed under CC BY 2.0.

This one goes out to the husbands out there that are trying to find gifts for all the women in their life and are ill equipped to do so.  The first Christmas that I spent with Mr. Meena he gave his sisters flashlights.  Gift giving can be stressful!

For this Christmas I told my husband that we would forgo presents and just have stockings (because they are the only thing that I can’t give up).  Our anniversary is a couple days before Christmas and we are also foregoing anniversary gifts.

Think about all the things that you could do with the money saved and the time that you didn’t spend shopping.  You could pay for a date night and have quality time together.  Or buy a nice bottle of wine and relax on the couch.  I think we’re going to purchase some movies that we’ll be able to watch offline during our vacation.  Take the stress out of selecting a gift and instead do something fun and relaxing with your spouse.

4. Let the honey-do list sit for a while.

Photo by Betta Living licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0.

Mr. Meena has three weeks off for the Christmas holiday (thank you Germany) and that is a huge temptation for me to ask him to fix my computer, my phone, my fan, etc.  There’s a man at his job that is retiring at the end of the month and when Mr. Meena asked him what he has planned next he said that he was going to work on the house for his wife.

It’s great when our spouses can help us out around the house and with errands, but perhaps they would benefit more from a restorative holiday season where they have more time to pursue their own to-do lists.  I often feel like what I’m asking for is a small task that can be done quickly – but it can make Mr. Meena feel like he has to jump to my bidding or disappoint me.  It’s not a fun place to be.  There are few things on our to-do list that can’t wait a little bit longer.

5. Relinquish control.

Photo by Chris licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0.

Just last night Mr. Meena had a couple of different things he wanted to get done and I talked him into combining them so that he’d have more time at the end of the evening to spend with me.  There are so many ways that I try to control my husband’s actions and many times I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  I may have an opinion about everything he does but that doesn’t mean I need to exert it forcefully.

I try not to blame Eve for making the ‘desire to control your husband’ more prominent in women, but I can’t help but wish I wasn’t so inclined to be controlling.

So let your spouse do the things that you don’t necessarily approve of over the holiday season.  Let him be a bit of a couch potato for the day or watch that movie for the tenth time.  You might be pleasantly surprised at the aftermath.

6. Make the intentional choice to love.

Photo by Richard licensed under CC BY 2.0.

You’ve likely heard it before – that love is an emotion and a choice.  After shopping for presents, going to Christmas plays, baking cookies, and endless trips to see relatives, both you and your spouse are probably going to be feeling drained.  It’s these times when it’s most important to remember to love each other even when you don’t feel like it.  Instead of letting the holiday season catch you up and sweep you off in a whirlwind of stress, let Christmas be a time to focus on loving your spouse.

 

It looks like I’ve given myself plenty of things to work on over the next few days and weeks.  What would you add to the list?

 

Featured photo by Daniel licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0.  Above photo modified by My Meena Life.