10 Reflections on Having Family Visit Us Abroad.

We spent 226 days in Germany before we had our first visitor.  And after the first one arrived we had a flood of them; our rotation of various Meena family members lasted for 29 out of 44 days from start to finish.  After all this time by ourselves in a foreign country it was a bit startling to suddenly have family around again.  There were all sorts of emotions to process as we prepared for the visits, spent time with our family, and then went on with life in Germany after they all went home again.  Here are some of my thoughts about it all.

 

It’s a bit shocking to see family in person again.

Mr. Meena went to pick up his older sister, our first visitor, at the airport.  I stayed home and when they walked in the door a few hours later I remember just staring at her face for the first few minutes.  I did the same thing when Mr. Meena and I met his parents at the airport and when we greeted his brother and his wife at the train station.  Before our move to Germany we had lived a few minutes from his brother, a half hour from his parents, and two hours from his sister (but she would drive up to see everyone frequently).  Even though we can text, email, and call often, it’s bewildering to suddenly be able to talk to and hug your real, live, standing-right-in-front-of-you family members.

Mr. Meena was more used to this phenomenon, since he moved south for college when most of his family was still living up north.  But I had never lived more than two hours away from my family before we moved abroad.  I have to wonder how strange it will be to see my side of the family again (and the younger Meena sister) after more than a year.

 

Living in a hotel is really convenient when people visit you.

When we had an apartment we’d let people crash on our couch, of course, but often when we visit people or when they visit us someone has to commute between places.  That’s not the case when your home is a hotel.  Our family was able to stay two doors down from us and could easily come and go when they pleased.  Everyone had plenty of privacy and it definitely made some aspects of the visit less stressful.  Since living in a hotel can be rather trying at times, I’m glad that we are reaping some benefits from being here.

 

They were just as frustrated about some aspects of life here as we are.

My sister-in-law was blocked from a website by the (completely ridiculous and overbearing) internet filter about a minute after she connected.  She also experienced the cleaning ladies breaking into her room while she was showering (the cleaning ladies have walked in on me showering, sleeping, and otherwise indisposed until I learned how to lock them out).  Mr. Meena took his brother and his wife to Nuremberg on a bank holiday and everyone came home starving because it was so hard to find places to eat (everything they tried was closed or not serving real food yet).  There was also the annoyance of having to rewash our three plates after every meal.  Other frustrations included things like, “This is really far to walk”, “I’m tired of hearing German”, or “The store is closed already?!”

 

Almost everyone underestimated how much we walk.

I asked everyone to break in some good walking shoes pre-visit and arrive ready to walk a lot, but perhaps I should have provided them with an actual figure of how much we walk.  A normal day trip for us can be anywhere from seven to 13 miles of walking and it feels like practically nothing when we walk a few miles around Schweinfurt to run errands.  But most people don’t walk that much in the States, despite the recent Fitbit craze.

To their credit, our family generally did really well with the long-distance walking after the first day or two.  My mother-in-law especially has trouble with stairs (note: Germany is nowhere close to being handicap friendly) but she climbed so many when she was here and didn’t complain at all.

 

Mr. Meena and his Dad having a pretzel before a long day of walking.

 

Observing our family members here made me realize how much we’ve acclimated.

One of our family members kept greeting people by saying “Hola” – which I totally understand, because my brain did the same thing when we first moved here (“oh, a foreign language!  I know a foreign language – Spanish!”).  Other family members fulfilled the American stereotype of talking at a higher volume than locals would in public.  After each family visit Mr. Meena and I compared notes on how our family acted compared to how we acted when we first moved here and how we act now.  We’ve learned so much and a lot of mannerisms and cultural habits seem almost second nature to us these days.

 

Everyone affirmed us.

Our family told us over and over again that we are doing exceptionally well here.  It’s the kind of feel-good compliment that I like to remember when I’ve totally failed at ordering in German or tried to take the wrong bus around Schweinfurt.  There are plenty of things about living here that are hard for us, so we were really happy that our family saw us as successful expats.

 

I didn’t realize how much I had missed normal family things.

There are no last minute dinner invitations, coffee dates, or stopping by to quickly drop something off when you live across an ocean from your family.  It was so neat to be able to say “let’s meet for dinner in an hour” or experience them doing favors for us, like washing those three plates or stockpiling water for us.  I figured that we could give anything up, including family, for just one year.  But I didn’t realize how fulfilling it was to have that family connection in all the little ways until it was present again.

 

Mr. Meena was enjoying a beer with his brother (not shown) in Erlangen.

 

We have a lot of free time here.

As much as I do miss regular family time, it is nice to have this segment of our lives where we have very little responsibilities.  The list of things that we have to do is very little, and mostly involves taking care of our bird.  There’s no house to take care of, no parent conferences to attend, and no dinner meetings when we don’t feel like it.  We have made a few friends in Germany, but it’s nothing compared to our social network at home.  Our evenings and weekends are almost always free to do pretty much whatever we feel like doing.  So it was a bit weird when suddenly we were being called on to be with others for most of our waking hours (and wear something other than pajamas at home).  I’ll be sure to relish our remaining months of solitude here.

 

Planning trips with others is hard.

We’ve never really traveled with other people before, at least not for anything more than a day trip.  But we took our various visitors to Berlin, Bad Kissingen, Bamberg, Erlangen, Nürburg, Nuremberg, Rothenburg ob der Tauber, and Ochsenfurt throughout their time here.  Mr. Meena and I have really gotten our trip planning down to a science since we do it so often, but most of our family members haven’t traveled very much.  This made it hard because they didn’t always know how to communicate their desires and sometimes they had no idea what their travel expectations were.  Of course, most were simply happy to see us and let us show them whatever city or attraction that we thought best, but if you are in a similar situation I would recommend asking your family to try to write down some of their travel expectations or even a list of things they would like to see.  It could make your trips go more smoothly.

 

They were ready to adapt to my current health situation.

I’ve been dealing with osteoarthritis and back pain for over a year now and my family was present when I was starting dealing with those problems.  But I started having serious issues with my knees and fibromyalgia after we moved to Germany.  My life has changed a lot since I’ve had to deal with the stress and daily realities of chronic pain and it’s not something my family knows that much about.  Sure, I write about it and I’ll send them updates, but it’s hard to understand what my daily life is like if you’re not here with me.  And it’s not fun to go on and on about all my problems, like how Mr. Meena sometimes has to help me walk or how I don’t usually get out of bed unless I have to.  I’ve read unfortunate stories online about people with family that react badly to their chronic, invisible pain.  They have to deal with people saying things like “I don’t think your pain is real” or “Why can’t you just suck it up?”

I never thought that my family would react negatively, but I wasn’t sure exactly how they would handle it.  Chronic, debilitating illnesses are not things that people typically think about until they have to.  Fortunately my family was overwhelmingly kind about all of my new limitations.  When I needed to walk instead of stand they sacrificed their leisurely pace during our sculpture walk, when I needed to sit they obliged me, and no one used my extra supportive chair without making sure that I was okay where I was.  I felt a huge relief when I saw that they are willing to make allowances for me, even when those allowances might be annoying or inconvenient.

Overall, it was great having our family come see what our life is like in Germany.  We’ll never forget the memories that we made with them here, and I’m so glad that they gave of their time and money in order to come see us.

Have you had family visit you abroad?  What did you learn from it?

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