What It’s like to Lose a Job You Love.

Experiencing job loss has become a common situation for many people.  It’s not always a bad situation; some people are freed from jobs that they despised and use the loss to start doing something more meaningful with their lives.  This post is not for those people.  This is for the people that counted themselves lucky to be employed where they were.

I was unemployed for ten months after I finished grad school before I found a job at a drinking water facility in Charlotte, NC.  I had been geographically restricted in my job search (my husband had a fantastic job nearby) so I wasn’t optimistic about finding an employer that was a good fit for me.  I went to many interviews that made me want to run screaming away from the facility.  But eventually, I found the job that excited me and happily accepted an offer.

I was nervous at first; I didn’t know what to expect.  But I gradually realized that I loved the work, the people, and the environment.  There were few downsides to the position and none of them were enough to make me consider leaving.  I settled into a routine of going to work each day with a smile on my face.  I felt valued at the end of the week when I got my paycheck.  I even became overly attached to the instruments in a way that only fellow lab analysts will understand.  I felt like the luckiest person in the world when my family asked about my new job, because I got to tell them how happy and fulfilled I was.

I was laid off exactly four months after my first day of work.  It was a Friday and I was hoping to work late because I needed to make up some hours.  I suppose warning sign number one was the way that my supervisor avoided me for the entire day as I attempted to ask for permission to stay late.  I set up a plenty of samples to run that afternoon anyway, staying true to my highly motivated (read: stubborn) work manner.

At 4:00 in the afternoon I finally got the meeting that I asked for with my supervisor.  He made much more small talk than usual as he was trying to avoid my questions about working late.  I knew that something was wrong when I heard heels clicking in the hallway (a sign that his boss was coming).  She came in, shut the door, and took a seat.  She promptly informed me that the budget for my position had been depleted.  It took a few minutes for me to comprehend that my termination was effective immediately.

I didn’t know how to respond.  They told me I could reapply for the position when the new budget kicked in a few months later.  My numb brain didn’t know what to do, so I told them that if I came back I wanted to be given the same desk assignment.  Then I walked out of the office.

I went to inform my coworker that I had to leave, immediately, and that she would have to stay for another hour or two because she was the only other person qualified to run the machine that my samples were still on.  I felt terrible for forcing the samples on her… but it wasn’t remotely my fault.  The situation could have been avoided with just a few hours notice.  I had to hand in my badge, pack up my entire desk while my supervisor watched, and then be escorted out of the secure building.  It was the first time I ever cried at a place that I worked.

I called my husband and asked him to cancel our dinner plans and pick up some voscato on the way home (voscato is moscato wine that has vodka in it, for anyone wondering if that was a typo).  The weekend passed as we visited family and I received condolences from pretty much everyone.  I felt humiliated.

I laid in bed on Monday morning and stared at the clock.  We had a pretty specific morning routine in the lab, and I knew my coworkers were going through the motions without me for the first time in four months.  I wondered what they each said about the fact that I was suddenly gone as I ticked off the times that they usually started sample prep, booted up their machines, and had the daily lab meeting.  I kept it up all day until the time that they usually ended sample prep late in the afternoon.

A few days later I had to return all of my work clothing that belonged to the city (you can’t keep it for security reasons).  I waited in the lobby for someone to come retrieve my paper bag of clothing and prayed that no one would happen to walk past and give me the required I’m-sorry-for-you frown.

Over the following weeks I would continue to be plagued with thoughts about work I had left unresolved in the lab.  Would anyone find the samples that I had prepped and left in the refrigerator?  Did I mess up the logbook because I was waiting until the end of the day to record new solution preparations, but I never got the chance to?  Would someone follow up with the sales rep that was waiting on an answer from me about the new standards – or would he become confused when I never responded?  Then I learned that none of the other temporary employees had been terminated, and I couldn’t help but wonder if I was let go for reasons other than just the budget situation.  I remained skeptical about the truth of the situation even though both my supervisor and his boss had told me otherwise.  So not only was I dealing with losing a job that I enjoyed, but now I was wondering if something was wrong with my performance that no one had the guts to tell me about.  Unexpected layoffs are very damaging to self-confidence.

Photo by Holly licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0.

Such an abrupt termination is bad for the employee and the employer.  I recently learned that in Germany (where I live now) detailed work contracts and fair treatment are mandatory, and there are laws that protect employees from immediate termination.  German employers typically have to give a minimum of four weeks’ notice for termination as well as a written notice of termination to the employee.

I wonder how my life would be different if I had been able to prepare for my job loss, instead of being blindsided with it.  Perhaps I could have transitioned into another job without the pain or confusion.  And as much as I enjoyed having that position, I had only been working there for four months.  How do people that have been working the same job (and have been happy doing it) for years or decades handle sudden job loss?  I don’t know.

One of the hardest things to handle after you lose a job you love is all the remarks from people with good intentions.  Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason”, “This is a blessing in disguise”, or “You’ll find something better” can be really hurtful.  I didn’t want something better – I wanted my specific job back.

My situation got more interesting when my husband received an offer to move to Germany less than a week after I lost my job.  We were both pretty thrilled about the opportunity and when we shared the news I was told over and over again that it was the perfect time to lose my job.

There is no perfect time to lose your job.  None.  Furthermore, I should be allowed to grieve over my job loss even if it made our next phase of life a little bit easier.  I lost the first true job that I ever had and that is not something to be taken lightly or dealt with via hallmark card platitudes.  Yes, it would have been hard to decide whether or not to quit a job that I loved, even if it was for a great reason.   But I would have preferred to have to the option to make that decision for myself.

The fact that we moved here for Mr. Meena’s job is still a point of contention between us sometimes.  Not only did I lose a job that I loved, but I couldn’t (in good conscience) pursue another one because we were leaving.  He has given me an incredible opportunity to live abroad and make great memories with him – but my inner desire to do the work that I trained to do rails against all the good things about our situation.  We’re working on it and I love him – but it’s nowhere close to being easy.

Losing a job that you love is similar to going through an unwanted breakup.  You feel abandoned and you don’t think that anything else will ever be as good.  You can’t help but compare all your new options to what you had before.  You’re constantly remembering how good it was and what you would give to have it back.  You realize that eventually you will be replaced by another person and that leads feelings of jealousy and bitterness.  You have no control over what happened and it makes you feel helpless.  It will take months or possibly even years before you can think about it without feeling crushed inside.

So this post is for all of you who were happy to go to your job every morning… until that job was taken away from you.  I’m afraid there are far too many people out there who understand what that is like.  May we all find a way to work through the loss and be happy again in whatever situation, or job, we find ourselves in.

Featured photo by Kailash licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0.  Above photo modified by My Meena Life.